Communicating genuinely and transparently about sexual needs and preferences can be difficult for many people. Some feel it is inappropriate to discuss sex, while others may be concerned about how their partner might respond.

Research supports that the quality of dyadic sexual communication is associated with both relational and sexual satisfaction. However, the directionality between these variables was not supported.

1. Clear Communication Before Sex

Many people seeking advice about sex talk to strangers who tell them, "Just ask your partner(s) what they want." This is great advice, but the only way you'll know what you and your partner(s) need or want from each other in the bedroom is to communicate clearly.

This communication doesn't have to be verbal; it can be conveyed with your hands, eyes, facial expressions, and body posture. But it's essential to clarify what you do or don't want from each other in the bedroom, so you can avoid sexual frustration and distress.

It also enables you to establish "hard limits," those things you'll never do, and soft limits, those that might be acceptable in controlled situations after warming up to the idea. Research with the IEMSS proposes that men and women use sexual communication in different ways: for men, the instrumental pathway of sexual communication increases relationship satisfaction and for women, sexual self-disclosure may increase intimacy, which ultimately leads to increased sexual satisfaction.

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2. Clear Communication During Sex

The good news is that once couples get comfortable talking about sex, it gets easier to do. It’s important to note, however, that there is no such thing as “one conversation” about sex; it has to be an ongoing topic of discussion, especially as desires change throughout the course of a relationship.

Sexual communication can be verbal or nonverbal, and it’s also worth noting that some of the most effective sex communications don’t require words at all! Researchers have found that moving your partner’s hand where you want it to go or moaning when something doesn’t feel pleasurable can be just as effective as saying, “Hey, I would like some more pressure.”

It’s also vital, both for personal well-being and to ensure mutual pleasure, to communicate any medical or physical concerns during sex. Even if it makes people uncomfortable, discussing these topics early is far better than dealing with sexual-related injury or infection. One study found that open sexual communication was correlated with both orgasm and satisfaction for men and women separately.

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3. Affirmations During Sex

Despite the importance of sexual communication, research in this area has been fragmented. This meta-analysis aims to provide coherence across studies and identify potential moderators of the associations between sexual communication and both relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction.

A total of 93 articles were identified for inclusion in this meta-analysis. Undergraduate coders were trained to reliably complete a full-text meta-analytical coding of each article. This coders extracted general study characteristics, sample demographics and effect sizes.

As expected, sexual communication is positively associated with both orgasm and lubrication. This is in line with the notion that sexual self-disclosure increases intimacy and subsequently enhances sexual functioning. In addition, this study found that sexual communication is positively associated with relationship satisfaction. This association is mediated through both the expressive and instrumental pathways in the IEMSS, and this finding is consistent with sexual script theory. However, the study did not find evidence that gender moderates this association. Specifically, women and men communicate differently about their sexual needs and experiences.

4. Clear Communication After Sex

It’s important to communicate clearly after sex to make sure that both partners understand each other’s feelings, needs, and expectations regarding sexuality. While it may seem easy to assume that a male partner’s silence after sex is a sign of disinterest or resentment, silent communication after sex is usually not a reflection of any underlying issues in the relationship.

A meta-analysis found that sexual communication positively correlates with both relationship and sexual satisfaction. However, the strength of this association varied by sexual communication dimensions, sample characteristics, and cultural factors. Whether the communication is playful or serious, discussing sex and other intimate topics brings couples closer together. And remember that physical communication is just as important as verbal communication; a gentle hand on the back, a glance, or a wink can convey a lot more than words alone.